She’s only six years old. And, I don’t know… let’s give her a name. What name will be good for that girl? I was thinking about this long enough to say, that it should have been my name, but now I know, that it shouldn’t be my name. Just because she’s dead now. And I am alive. And I don’t know who I am yet! So… let’s call her Lidande. For those of you who want to know what it exactly means – you know why google was created?
We have Liddy. And shorter, Li.
Li is six years old. She’s currently sitting at small table, with five other children. It’s her second week of school.
She didn’t want to be here, but her mother walked with her to bus stop and almost forced to get in. And another day she was standing in this bus and crying as quietly as she could, because she knew that other children would laugh if they saw that she was sad and distressed. So she tried to hide it. Of course it didn’t work at all…
She starts slowly adapt to new place. She understands she has to be here, and that her mother won’t take her home, even if she feels so bad. So she tries to adapt. And this day she even starts to talk to other children. And generally it goes well, they are nice and friendly, but also still strange and scary. She doesn’t feel confident at all, but she knows that this will change. Somehow, she just feels, as everything eventually changed in her life. So it has to be better with time, she thinks.
Remeber, this is six years old. Mostly she is not different from others at her age. But there is one things that makes her strongly different…
Did you ever hear a word such as ‚vulnerability’? I think your answer will be ‚yes’, that often comes in when you think about crying on movies, and about women before their period. Sorry for beeing so in-your-face, but isn’t it right? And in most occasions you would think that someone vulnerable is just weak, and that this is a bad trait. But is it really?
So Li is very, VERY vulnerable. Because she sees more and feels more than other children, she also understands more. And that is what will be making her unhappy for most of her future life. But for now, she just listens her teacher. And then the teacher says that they have to do next drawing. So they start drawing and, as usually, talking.
Li waits until last child finish sentence, and while there is silence, she starts talking about her dog. They are talking about what animals they have, because that is what is the drawing about. So she is talking, and does it pretty confident now. And everything seems to be fine, yes?
Unfortunately for her, the answer for last question is ‚no’.
A girl next to her suddenly says ‚Shut up yourself’.
Li freezes. She did not said anything wrong. So why is this girl said that with such angry voice?
An she starts wondering.
Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to talk at all? Maybe only other children can talk here, and I should be quiet all the time? Why she doesn’t like me? Maybe I am too stupid, and it is not worth listening what I say? What is wrong with me? Why they are looking at me like that? and so on…
She doesn’t want this to happen again. So she decides to never speak again. She will speak only when she’s sure that she’s safe to do so. And that won’t happen often… for the next 15 years.